White Swan
by xXSunsparkXx
Summary: What if Primrose never died? What if she became involved in a war bigger than her sister has ever known? Or, that through it all, she'd find love in the most unlikely person imaginable? Prim never really knew exactly what Katniss went through in all those years being the Mockingjay, but she was about to find out...
1. Enigma

_**White Swan**_

**Chapter 1: Enigma **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything from The Hunger Games. The amazing Suzanne Collins owns it all. **

Katniss. She's running towards me. In all of the confusion I can tell she's scared, but I don't know why. She keeps screaming my name, so I turn to call out to her. Even though the child in my arms needs immediate medical attention. Then suddenly, time slows down as an explosion of light enters my senses. A shrill cry fills my ears, is it my own? For a moment, all I feel is pain, and then everything went black.

Those few seconds were all I could think about when I came to. I looked around, but all I could see was darkness. My limbs wouldn't move, and my mouth wouldn't form the name I so desperately wanted to scream out. It was as if I was trapped in a sea of consciousness. Living but not really alive. I could think, and so I wondered if I was actually dead. I didn't _feel_ dead, but what did being dead feel like? And a more important question, why couldn't I move? I started getting frantic at the thought of it. _'Katniss. Katniss will come for me.'_ I thought desperately. It became my mantra until I couldn't fight the sleepiness that overcame me any longer, and succumbed to the darkness.

That became my routine for a long, long time. I would "wake up" everything would hit me again. I would remember exactly what had happened to me, and every time it hurt like a ton of bricks. Most of the time I would think of all the things I could've done better when I was alive. Yes, I finally decided I was dead. How could I not be? It was almost maddening at first, not being able to see, hear, or move at all. But after awhile I finally accepted it. It gave me a lot of time to just think as I floated though the vast nothingness. I thought a lot about Katniss and all the things she went through. That day when they called my name at the reaping was a blurry memory, but I could still remember Katniss calling out clear and strong. In all honesty, I wished she never did. Maybe then I would've died a much better way. I could never forgive myself for that haunted look I saw in my sisters eyes ever since the first Games. She never deserved to go through that. She never deserved to see me explode into a million pieces either. I felt bad that it had to end that way but there really wasn't anything I could do about it. Katniss was strong, I knew she'd be fine without me.

I just wish she wasn't the one who had to pick up the pieces.

I felt bad for my mother too. I knew she would be heartbroken when she found out, if she hadn't already. I don't know how much time had passed since I died, there was no way to tell. All I know is it fells like it's been forever, but that's just me.

More time passed, and I started writing letters in my mind to all the people I love. There was a lot, but Katniss' was the longest. I know it sounds crazy, but I silently willed all of them to each person. I hoped with all my heart that they reached each of them. It'd give me a little peace of mind.

Like I could have that. All I can do is _think!_

I really think I started going crazy when I first heard the voices. Here's the thing, they weren't just any voices, I _knew_ them.

"_Prim, Prim? Gosh I hope you can hear me…" _

If I could laugh at the irony I would've. It sounded exactly like my mother's voice! If this was how the world was going to punish me for being a coward it was really working. Sometimes I even heard Katniss' voice. She's usually telling me I had to "wake up." But how was I supposed to wake up? I'm _dead._

Other than that there was voices I didn't recognize at all. They'll talk about my vitals and are always telling me to move. I wanted to scream at them that _I can't move!_ But that wasn't going to happen so they just kept asking.

After awhile; and after I became used to people having one-sided conversations with me, the "doctors"-voices I didn't know-stopped. I didn't hear them ask me if I could hear them or not anymore. I guess they finally realized that I wasn't going to give them an answer. Besides, I was totally fine with them being gone, glad even. My mother and Katniss, (Peeta sometimes as well) still spoke to me, telling me about their day and what has been going on in Panem. It was starting to get hard to believe that it was in in my head, what with how detailed some of the things they told me were. Most things I knew I couldn't have thought of, I hadn't even heard of them before! Like when Katniss told me they were rebuilding District 12. I almost believed it was true, and it made me wonder just how long I've been gone.

It had to be at least a year by now. I could be fourteen, maybe older. That thought made me sad. What would my family be doing for my birthday this year? I hoped they just forget about it, but knowing my mother I know she'd feel the need to do something.

I wonder if this is what my father goes through. He's been gone for years now, and being here that long… I shivered at the thought. A little part of me still hoped that this was all a bad dream, and that soon I would wake up and forget that this had ever happened. I know that, that isn't going to happen so I just wait. What I'm waiting for? To listen to Katniss or my mother again. I've started to calculate the time between their visits, so Katniss should show up soon. I'm always excited for their visits. It's nice to hear their voices, even if they're not real. Until then I drift off to sleep.

A voice in the back of my head wakes me up a little while later. Eagerly I tune in to what the masculine voice is saying. It almost sounds like one of my "doctors" that stopped talking to me.

"-she may never wake up. We've ran every test we can, and tried all the remedies the Capitol's storehouses held… She's healthy, and growing like a young lady of seventeen should, but for some reason she has not awakened. We…we cannot do anything more for her…"

All my thoughts froze on what he just said. I was…_seventeen?_ No, that couldn't be right. It was all in my head, it had to be, I'm dead! It hasn't been four years…has it?

Another voice sounding like Katniss spoke up. "What are we supposed to do?" She cries desperately. "Will she ever wake up?"

The doctor takes a moment before replying, "I…don't know."

At his response someone started sobbing loudly. I knew by the way she cried that it was my mother. I wanted so badly to comfort her, wanted more than ever to be able to move. Or see. Or do _something!_ I wish I could cry out in frustration, or even just cry! I'm tired of being frozen in a place where there's absolutely _nothing!_

Suddenly, my mother's voice was heard. "Richard? Why-why is she crying?"

Wait. I was crying?

Sure enough large wet tears were streaming down my face, falling into the darkness. I laid there, eyes wide open in shock, and at that moment I cried happily. I could actually _do _something again! All I wanted to do now was cry. I was elated at the thought of something new I could do!

Dr. Richard sounded as bewildered as my mother did when he spoke. "I-I don't know Eliza! That is something she has never done before! Eliza, this may very well be a _good _thing!"

A good thing? They had no idea just how wonderful it really was. After four years of not being able to do anything but think I've become very grateful for any little thing I get. It felt so good to feel the warm wet droplets run down my cheeks. I wish I could tell them that yes! This was a good thing!

Suddenly, I stopped. How did they know I was crying?

"Prim." My mother softly whispered. The emotion in her voice made me snap my attention back to her. She took a deep breath, "Please, _please_ wake up. I miss you. So much. The past few years without you have been almost too much to bear. I-I can't _stand_ seeing you like this!" She took another shuddering breath. "Please…show me that you can hear me."

'_Mother, you have no idea how much I want to do that.'_ I thought, and again, after years of not even trying, I gained a new determination to just move. I had to show my mother and Katniss that I could hear them all along. So I tried, and tried hard to shift one finger. My mother stayed silent, waiting for me to help her believe.

It was quiet for a long time while I struggled to be free of the paralysis that held me. No one spoke, and already an hour had probably passed. I wanted to give up, new tears of frustration rolling down my cheeks. _'I can't! I just can't!' _It was too hard! I was about to stop al together when I heard a gasp.

"Her fingers! They're moving!" Katniss exclaims in surprise.

She was right…! I could move the fingers on my left hand! I could even make a fist!

So many emotions ran through my head, but one stood out from all the rest: complete and utter fascination.

The living really do not understand how lucky they are. They can move freely, and most can see at one point in their life. Nothing can describe the happiness I feel right now, and that's just to move my fingers! I keep doing the motion again and again to be sure they would see. I still didn't understand how they could see me, but I've stopped believing they're unreal. They are my real living family, and I am so glad I can still talk with them in some way.

Katniss is trying to hold back tears, I can hear it in her breathing. She moves closer to me, "Prim, can you hear us?" She asks determinedly.

I clench my fist once.

My mothers makes a sound of relief and in turn asks, "Prim, do you know what happened to you?"

I do not even stir.

Richard speaks this time, "When you don't make a fist, does that mean no?"

I make another fist.

"Would you…like to know?" Katniss inquires tentatively.

It takes me awhile to respond. Do I want to know how I died? A part of me didn't want to hear about it. I was terrified to finally find out what Katniss saw that day. Even so, I realized had to know.

Slowly, I moved my fingers.

Minutes passed before Katniss finally began. When she did there was an edge to her voice that only I could probably pick up on. Suddenly I understood, she blamed herself for what happened. More tears threatened to spill over, was I ever going to stop crying? It broke my heart to know that she held herself to blame. It was not her fault.

I wanted to let her know that somehow, but for now I couldn't. Pushing the unwanted thoughts aside I listened to her story.

"You were with the medics that ran into the barricade to help the children. I guess you guys didn't realize that all the parachutes were bombs. I saw you…you ripped off your coat to put it on an injured child. I screamed your name and tried to get to you. I think you heard because you turned around and looked like you were going to call out to me." She paused for a moment, as if rehashing the scene. "Then the rest of the parachutes went off." She said simply, showing no emotion.

Everyone stayed silent, I figured they were waiting for me to respond. This didn't surprise me, I already knew that part. What I needed to hear was how I actually died.

So I waited until my mother slowly added, "And you were thrown into one of the barricades by the blasts. One of your legs were completely blown off…and you had a lot of burns on your face and arms. Katniss was the first one to get to you, and we all thought you were dead." She gained the same hardness in her voice that Katniss did. "But somehow, you weren't and you've been in a coma ever since."

A coma? I've been in a _coma_ for four years? I thought…I was dead. No. Nonono. I started getting panicked. I'm _dead__!_ They're lying! I'm dead! Dead dead dead!

I opened and closed my fist wildly, showing them how distraught I really was.

Richard said something about getting something to calm me down while Katniss and my mother tried in vain to soothe me. They keep telling me it's okay but _it is __not__ okay._ I've thought I was dead for four years, told myself that fact over and over. They can't just come here and say I'm alive! I don't believe them, I can't! I want so badly to scream at them I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead! They probably wouldn't listen anyways! My mind can't take it, it's too much and I go into a frenzy. Losing all control I clench and unclench my hand even faster, fresh tears raining down my cheeks.

In my deranged state I barely comprehend my mother yelling at Richard to do something. Then as soon as she says it I feel a warmth seep through my chest. My head becomes clouded, and my hand motions become less sporadic. Soon I don't even remember why I was so frantic before, all I know it that I am so _tired._ It only takes a few more seconds before I drift off into a medicine induced sleep.

**A/N: Okay! Chapter one is finished! I apologize if it isn't that long… I just want to see what people think of it before I go any further. I tried to write in first person point of view as Suzanne did in the books so it seems more entwined into them. Please, if you want to see more of this idea leave a review on your way out!**

**Thanks, **

**~Court**


	2. Revelations

**Chapter 2: Revelations **

**A/N: Back for chapter 2! Hope you like it!**

**Reviews: **

**SheSaysReal: I'm so happy you like it! I can't wait either, this story pretty much has a mind of it's own. :) Thanks for reviewing!**

**Guest: Thank you! The update has arrived!**

**Rachel Hannah: I tried my best to write as soon as I could. Thanks for taking an interest in this story. :)  
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_**Enjoy. **_

**()()()()()()()()()()()**

The way I woke up was pretty much the same as any other. The fog of drowsiness lifted as I regained consciousness, and the familiar blanket of darkness welcomed be back. _'Still can't see.' _I thought a little glumly. Nothing about what had transpired before I fell asleep had registered in my mind just yet. I pushed the unwanted thought and feelings away when the came upon me, just as I had learned to do. I did recall that I could move the fingers of my left hand, but I was a little hesitant to see if it was actually true. A part of me brushed it off as a dream because it was almost too good to be true. After years of being frozen like this I thought I'd lost hope a long time ago. Maybe that was why I couldn't believe I was alive.

That was the instant when it all hit me, the doctor, my mother, and Katniss. I was "speaking" to them through my hand motions…and they told me I was alive.

The panicked feelings all came back to me now, but I shoved them away the best I could. This wasn't the time to freak out, this was the time to get answers.

As if on a 'leap of faith' of some sort I tried to move my hand again. The end result surprised me more than I care to admit. I could move not just one hand, but _both_ of them. Not just that, but I could feel some sort of warmth in my neck and somehow could turn my head to the side just a little but. It seemed like I was regaining the use of my body back, and it felt pretty good.

Shaking my head as best I could I cleared those thoughts and got serious. I still didn't quite…grasp how I was still alive, they had said something about a coma, so someone had some explaining to do.

I decided on waiting for my mother or Katniss to come talk to me again. Like I had a choice in the matter, I'm stuck here anyways. I knew they probably wouldn't be here for awhile but I understood that perfectly. My latest performance probably scared them a little, or maybe they just thought I was crazy.

The more I think about it…maybe I am.

Staying like this for so long probably doesn't do any good for my sanity. I thought I lost that _years_ ago when I started hearing voices. Now they're trying to convince me that I'm not dead?

Oh no, this _really_ isn't helping my sanity. At. All.

So I waited, and waited. After awhile my mind when completely blank, it was a defense mechanism to help me cope with being like this for so long. During that time I probably slept on and off too, but I can't remember.

I guess I really started getting worried when I couldn't hear them after the third time I really slept. I knew they would never leave me like this, but it still was a little strange that they haven't come to talk to me yet. As usual I couldn't do anything about it so I continued to wait.

More time passed, I don't really keep track of time anymore so I don't know how long it's been. Just floating here in this vast blackness, you tend to be unaware of time. It's as if it doesn't even exist here. You tend to forget a lot of things about of yourself too.

Sometimes, when I'm depressed, I'll even forget my own name.

I don't get depressed often exactly, but when I do it usually stays for long periods of time. Those times are the worst, when you feel like the darkness is closing in and all you want to do is let it swallow you up inside. It's when all of the horrible things you've done are always at the forefront of your mind. Bits and pieces of images flash across your eyes. You try to push them all away, and at first, you are able to. But after awhile it just becomes too hard and you finally succumb to your innermost failures. Those are the worst times of all.

Thankfully those instances are few and far between, so most of them time I can rehash all the good memories from my life. I think about my father a lot, and wonder if he's feeling the same things I am. I know it's pretty selfish, but I sort of hope that he is. It's kind of comforting in a way to know that you are not alone in what you're going through. I guess technically, I _am_ alone, but it does help.

Listening to my family helps too, that's why I was infinitely relieved when I heard Katniss say hello to me.

"Hey Prim." Another voice I don't recognize follows after Katniss.

"Prim, do you remember who this is?" My sister asks evenly.

I have no idea who the masculine voice belongs to. I know it isn't Peeta, he has a much higher one. I don't make a fist to show that I don't know.

I hear a little chuckle, "It's me Duck Tail." The voice says softly.

Gale?

Gale's here? I know he hasn't come to see me yet, so I'm a little shocked. That's probably why I didn't recognize his voice, it's been _years_ according to my sister since I've seen him.

Something calloused and strong took my hand and started rubbing soothing circles into my skin. "How are you Prim? Good? Bad? Sad?" Gale inquires.

I have to think about my answer. How am I, really?

Well, I've been stuck in a place where there's nothing at all for about four years…but right now? Since they're with me, and what Gale's doing to my hand is so calming, I think I'm pretty good.

I make a little 'thumbs up' sign with my unpreoccupied hand.

Gale laughs and squeezes my hand. "That surprises me. You've been like this for so long, I don't think we even know how you can _hear_ us. It has to be hard, whatever you're going through."

He has no idea.

I squeeze his hand back and wait for them to say something else. Katniss is the one to finally speak up. Mom didn't come with us, she had a few patients she had to take care of. We really don't understand why you got so upset the other day. I wish you were able to tell me somehow, but since you can't we tried to figure it out for ourselves. We have some ideas if you'd like to hear them.

I give here another 'thumbs up' sign.

"Okay." She breathes and takes a moment to collect her thoughts.

"Well, there wasn't much we could decipher from your behavior, but the medics believe that something we said might've startled you somehow, since you didn't start acting up until then. Or that you were in a lot of pain. Were either of these the problem?"

I make another one of my new trademark 'thumbs up' signs. I was a little surprised that they had come up with that so quickly.

"Okay." Katniss says a little cautiously. She pauses again, like she's afraid to say something. I assumed that she was afraid that she was going to upset me again if she asked me what it was, so I kept my thumb in the air to assure her that it was alright. She let out a small sigh and kept going, "Which one was it? Did something in particular that we said really upset you?"

"I don't think she knows how to answer that Katniss." Gale put in.

"Right." She said a little sheepishly, "Sorry. If it was something we said, don't put your thumb up. If it was pain or something else entirely put it up."

Seeing that I left my hand motionless Gale resumed rubbing circles into my palm. "What was it Prim?" He asked carefully, "Was it something that scared you?"

I motioned yes and he in turn addressed Katniss. "What did you guys talk about?"

If I was able to see I would bet almost anything that Katniss was rubbing the back of her head by now. It was something she'd always do when she was really nervous or feeling sheepish. "Just about what happened that day she went into a coma…but she'd said that she was fine with us talking about it. Maybe something we said shocked her, I really don't know."

_Right, finding out that you're alive when you've thought you were dead isn't a shocker at all. _I thought sarcastically. It frustrated me that I couldn't hold a regular conversation with them and tell them what's really going on, but nowadays, most things I couldn't do irritated me.

"Alright, well there isn't much of a way for her to tell us exactly what happened, so let's just forget about it for now." Gale says as he calmly changes the subject. "Lot's of things have been going on since you've been here, so to make it more interesting I guess I could talk a little bit about me for a change."

I mentally smiled at his mischievousness, he always knew to make things a little bit better in any situation he was in. I'd be lying to say I wasn't enjoying my time here with him.

Katniss stayed silent as he told me about taking a job in District 2 as a political spokesperson, how nervous he got when he had to go on live television, and how much he missed home back in District 12. His words made me wonder where we were right now, I figured we were in 13 but there was a chance we were closer to the capital. I didn't know how bad my physical condition really was, but if it was anything like my psychological condition, then I would probably be better off in the capital as they had the best medical care around. Well, had the best medical care around. I didn't know what state the capital was in either.

Gale's voice broke me out of my reverie, "We really thought we were going to lose you for a minute there Prim." He said softly. "The team we brought in tried their best, but when you wouldn't respond to us we started to get worried. After a week they finally told us they thought it was a coma, and that you could still die while being in this state." He sighed heavily. "But look at you now, you're almost fully healed physically speaking, and you're healthier than you've ever been… The only problem is that you wouldn't move a muscle for over four years…" He trailed off and the room filled with dead silence. The tension and pain that they felt during that time emanated off of them like a horrible smell. It made me feel bad, to really realize how they must've felt. Although I had thought about it every once in awhile, I had never really grasped what all of this could've done to my family and friends. The fact that it took me this long to realize it made me feel guilty for just thinking about myself. They probably went through just as much pain as I did, even through it probably wasn't the same kind. I wanted to reassure them somehow, to comfort them in some way. Since Katniss was out of reach I squeezed Gale's hand hard and rubbed my own thumb into his palm as best I could.

I heard a rustle of movement, and then Katniss came over and took my other hand. "It's been rough here without you Prim." She whispered.

"Yeah, we really missed you Duck Tail." Gale murmured from beside her.

Their words hurt me more than they knew, and anger boiled up inside me. Anger at the people who did this to me, causing me and the people I care about so much pain. One day, if I ever really woke up, they would pay. They would pay for what they did to my sister, and they would pay for what they've done Panem and it's people.

Hopefully, one day I'll be right.

**A/N: Annd that's the end of chapter 2! I am so sorry it came so late! I have had a TOTAL writer's block, and all of my stories have suffered for it. :/ Hopefully it's gone now, and I can get you guys faster updates. As always, review!**

**~Court**


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